Magic of the Four Elements~ Chapter 1

Very nice, i liked the story, it was interesting.

Firstly. you aren't using all of the perceptions as much as you should (sight, smell, taste). Secondly, you should try to include more descriptive language. The writing is somewhat bland without. You shouldn't waste as many words as you do on the maid in the first chapter. Have her look into a mirror or something, if you want her to become less imagination-run and more set in stone. You should also stop relying on sight as much, and less describing of physical appearance. They're not quite as important as developing the plot and character's personalities.
Despite these critisims, it's pretty good.

C.J. Mustang wrote:Chapter 1


A maid turned into the women’s corridor, heading for Lady Cassaras’ room. Her dirty-blonde hair was tied back into a braid, and she had brown eyes surrounded by full dark lashes. She carried an almost full laundry basket on the curve of her hip, and her blue wool dress kept it from slipping, though she had to hoist it up from time to time because it was so heavy. After passing a couple rooms, she turned to Lady Cassaras’.

When the maid knocked and opened the door, she saw Lady Cassara looking at herself in the full-length mirror, holding a purple formal dress up to her elegant body. The maid envied Lady Cassara. Whenever she looked in the mirror, all she saw was a very plain girl staring back at her. Lady Jasmine sat on a cushioned stool behind Lady Cassara, complimenting on how good the dress looked on her. When they heard the maid come in, Lady Cassara snapped her head around and glared. Enough of the "Lady Cassara" already!

“What are you doing here, Alexandra?” she sneered. Reconsider word choice.

“I was instructed to tidy up your room, since your regular maid got sick, My Lady.”

“Humph. There are no decent maids whenever you need them. I knew I should’ve brought my own. Slaves aren’t supposed to get sick, are they, Jasmine?”

“Of course not, Cassara,” Jasmine said, happy that Lady Cassara addressed her like they were close friends.

Cassara quickly turned her head towards Lady Jasmine and squinted. “I told you, call me Lady Cassara,” she snapped. “We’re not friends. I only let you come with me because you gave me lots of chocolates and promised to stay out of my way, which you are having a very hard time doing.” Chocolate?

Lady Jasmine looked down in embarrassment and shame. Her face became completely cherry red.

Alexandra went to make the bed and set down the laundry basket, fuming. We are not slaves! “If you don’t mind me asking, My Lady, how are you familiar with my name?” she asked as calmly as she could. If she's a slave/servant, wouldn't she be out of her place, questioning the Lady?

Lady Cassara smiled eerily. “Well,” she said sweetly, “I have to know your names, that way I can fire you if I have to when I become queen. Even though I'm only a guest here, I won't be for long. And trust me,” she chuckled, “you’re the first to go. I’ve asked questions about you, and I don’t think you should stay. You’re a nuisance to me. You see? There’s a perfect example. Can’t you figure it out? No, never mind, of course you can’t. Since it seems like you wouldn’t be able to know if it’s your own nose in front of you, I’ll tell you; you butt into peoples’ business, and you aren’t fit to serve the Royal Family. Now leave me alone.” She turned back to the mirror with her head held high.

Alexandra turned back to her work. There were tears forming in her eyes, but she wiped them roughly away with her sleeve and tried not to sniffle. She didn’t want to leave. Don’t think about that. You’re not leaving, because Prince Makani's not going to marry that evil witch, so stop crying! You’re such a baby, she scolded herself. Good character development.

She made her way towards the window and opened the wooden shutters. Lady Cassaras' room was on the East Side of the castle, which faced the jousting yard. She had to stand on one tiptoe to get the shutters open all the way. Lady Cassara walked towards and then past her and put her foot out in front of the only one Alexandra was standing on.

Below, a man walked below the three-story window on a dirt path that circled the castle. He almost turned the corner when he heard a scream behind him. He spun around and looked up in time to see a girl falling from the window, headfirst. He ran towards where the girl was falling. Alexandra felt a gust of wind playing around her body as it shifted from headfirst to her back. She opened her eyes as she felt her body lightly placed definately reconsider word choice into the mans arms as the dust settled.

Dust? How can there be dust? Alexandra looked up to see Lady Cassaras’ head appearing from the window.

“Is she okay? She was trying to open the window when my fat cat ran into her foot.” She called down.

The man looked at Alexandra then up at Lady Cassara. “She’s fine.” He looked back at Alexandra and smiled as Cassaras’ head disappeared back into the window. “You are okay, aren’t you? I don’t recall Lady Cassara as being an animal type person.”

“Yes, I’m fine. Thank you.” Should I tell him? No. I’ll let it go this time. And anyways, who would believe me when I'm going against the word of nobility?

“Good. Are you able to stand?”

Alexandra smiled and blushed. Why would I want to? Nonetheless, she nodded. “I think so.”

The man carefully let her down and held onto her arm, just in case she wasn’t able to stand. It was a good thing he did, too, because her legs were shaking violently and she almost fell down. He then led her to a nearby bench and made her sit down, and he sat down with her.

“So, what’s your name?” he asked.

“Alexandra.”

The man smiled. “Nice to meet you, Miss Alexandra.”

Alexandra blushed, her heart pounding in her chest. She noticed that he had blue eyes and light-blonde hair that was a bit long. He wore the clothes of a servant, but he was probably the type of guy who had all of the girls running to him. Sitting next to him, Alexandra felt a bit out of place. He was gorgeous, and she was…well…just plain. There wasn’t anything special about her looks—unlike the man sitting next to her, obviously—and she was a bit invisible to other people, but that’s the way she liked it most of the time.

“So, um—” Alexandra started, but another female voice cut her off.

“What are you doing here?” the other woman asked the man as she ran over, grabbing the mans' hand. “And why are you wearing those ridiculous clothes? You are supposed to be with His Majesty. He’s looking for you and says it’s urgent.” She had blonde hair—closest to a white color—and her eyes were a light blue—almost a clear white—and they twinkled when the set their eyes on Alexandra. “Oh, hello. You never told me you were helping this young woman, Makani. Alexandra, is it?” She chirped, her eyes becoming a bit red, like she was angry.

Alexandras’ eyes widened and looked at the Prince as her whole face went beet red. Prince Makani blushed as he jumped up. “I was trying to keep that a secret!” he whispered harshly. Character development on him maybe?

“Oh, were you? I'm sorry.” The woman said, furrowing her brow.

Alexandra quickly stood up and smoothed out the front of her dress. She kept her head lowered as she said, “Well, um, thank you, Your Highness, for helping me. I’m very grateful. If you’ll excuse me….” She curtsied and ran the opposite direction, leaving Prince Makani and the woman standing by the bench. Her head swam and she scolded herself for not knowing who he was.

Alexandra didn’t go back to Lady Cassaras’ room; splitting this ito 2 sentences would be more effective instead she went to the stables where she had the most comfort. There were ten stables all in a line on the West Side of the castle; comma, not semi-colon each housed ten horses, with five stalls on each side.

As she walked into the first stable, she heard Raven whinny from inside her stall as she poked her head out. Alexandra smiled and walked about three stalls down on the right. She held out her hand as Raven nuzzled it, looking for treats. Raven bobbed her head up and down as an arm went around Alexandras’ neck in a loose chokehold. Alexandra smiled even wider and looked up to see a well-built face smiling brightly down at her. The man had brown hair with a little bit of blonde in it, and his blue eyes twinkled as laughter filled his eyes. He was about a head taller than her.

He let go as she turned around. He was a little bulky, and wore stable clothes. “You sneakin’ off again?” he teased.

“You know I would never do such a thing, Edward,” she said. “Just paying a visit is all.”

“You like ta be here, don’cha?” asked Edward, stroking Ravens' neck. "I'm not surprised that you've become attached ta this here horse. She's a beauty, all righ'. Pure black Thoroughbred mare, nice strong legs. She's a great horse for one of our knights."

“Of course. I love coming here! These horses are my friends, just like most animals, you know that.”

“Yeah, well, see if yer friends with most animals when ya try and make nice with the frien’ly wolf ‘er mountain lion, ‘er maybe ev’n a dragon, then let’s see who’s tryin’ ta be friendly,” he half mumbled as he was grabbing Ravens’ halter from the wall on the other side of the stables.

“You and I both know that dragons have been extinct for thousands of years,” Alexandra lied as she leaned against Ravens’ stall door. She knew for a fact that there were still dragons living amongst them.

“Ah, not true,” Edward stated. He looked at Alexandra. “It’s been said that there’s been sigh’in’s of flyin’ monsters—closely ta the shapes a dragons—around th’ Kurgan Mountains, mostly t’ th’ east of ‘em, though, so they stay away from Rebbs Port.” Alexandra moved off of the door as Edward opened it. Raven shied a little from the halter but soon let Edward put it on her. He gave Raven to Alexandra and she led her into the walkway.

“Now, if you want to get all specific,” said Alexandra a-matter-of-factly, “It depends on what type of dragons you’re talkin’ about. There are the Wyverns, Lindworms, Europeans, Knuckers, Gargouille, Frost, Amphithere, Marsupial, and the Asian Lung. Or, there’re the Steelbacks who aren’t dragons at all, but when from far away they look similar to the European—”

“Whoa, whoa, now, hold on a minute! Have you been stealin’ books from the Royal Family’s library again?”

Alexandras’ face grew hot. “Now, that’s not a nice thing to say!” she reluctantly smiled. “I only did that once.”

Edward stopped pushing the wheelbarrow he got from the storage room nearby and smiled brightly. “What was that? Oh really, didja now?”

“But you can’t tell a soul! I put it back right where I found it. You know I’ve read all of the books on my shelf, and I get bored if I don’t have something to read.”

“Hey, if you get bored, just tell me; I’ll give ya somethin’ ta do.”

“Yeah, but I don’t like what you give me. No, I didn’t steal from the library; that information was in one of the books on my shelf. It was a birthday present from—”

“Is everything coming out nicely? Everything getting clean?” asked a familiar voice.

“Yes, Lady Beth.” answered Edward as he was shoveling manure into the wheelbarrow.

Alexandra turned around to see the woman who came up to Prince Makani and her earlier. She quickly turned her head around so she wouldn’t know who was holding the horse, but it was too late.

“Ah, yes, the young woman Makani saved. I was looking for you.”
Edward dropped the shovel and Raven got no need for "got" startled and reared. Alexandra calmed her down after a couple minutes. When she turned back around, Edward was standing right in front of her.

“Saved? Why were you saved, and by His Highness noneth’less!? Are you all right? What happened?”

“I—I fell.” Alexandra mumbled and looked down.

“You fell? Prince Makani saved you from falling? Now, I would understand if it was from tripping over your own feet, ‘cause it is you after all, but falling?”

Alexandra nodded shyly.

“Oh no, it was much more than tripping over her own feet,” said Lady Beth.

“Oh, no, please, I—”

“Apparently—now this is what I heard from Makani, correct me if I’m wrong—but she fell out of a three story window.”

“No, wait—”

“You what!? And you didn’t tell me?”

“Well, I’m sorry; I didn’t want you to worry—”

“Worry!? You didn’t want me to worry!? Are you kiddin’ me?”

“But I’m okay, right, and that’s all that matters?” she asked slowly.

Edward paused and sighed. “Yes, that’s all that matters,” he said quietly and hugged Alexandra. “I just worry ’bout ya, Alex. Yer like family ta me, since I ain’t got one, an’ all. Thank the gods you weren’t hurt.” Edward said in her ear, low enough for only her to hear.

“Yes, I’m sorry.” Alexandra hugged him back. “I’ll—I’ll try to be more careful next time.”

“Thank you.” He squeezed her and let go.

Lady Beth cleared her throat. “Listen Alexandra, I’m sorry if I got you in trouble with your friend, here. I was just coming to check up on you."

Alexandra was puzzled. “Wait—I have a question for you. How did you know my name before we even met over by the bench?”

“Just wait here ‘til you're ready to go home at the end of the day and I’ll tell you everything. I have some issues with your guardian, also, and he might
be able to answer some of your questions. I’m a bit puzzled at his actions. Please wait for me.” Awkward speech in general, reconsider. When she turned to leave, she gave a wry smile and held her head high as she exited the stables.

Alexandra looked up at Edward questioningly. He shrugged, picked up his shovel, and began working again.

A few suggestions and comments -

Lady Jasmine sat on a cushioned stool behind Lady Cassara, complimenting her[/olor] on how [s]good the dress looked on her[/s] [color=red]lovely the dress looked; oh how it shines! And the colour suits you so very well.]

[s]Below, a[/s] A man walked below the three-story window on a dirt path that circled the castle.

He spun around and looked up in time to see a girl falling from the window, head-first. He ran towards where the girl was falling. Alexandra felt a gust of wind playing around her body as it shifted from head-first to her back. She opened her eyes as she felt her body lightly placed into the man's arms as the dust settled.

“Is she okay? She was trying to open the window when my fat cat ran into her foot.” [Comma and then a small s instead of a full stop.] She called down.

—almost a clear white—and they twinkled when [s]the set their eyes[/s] they rested on Alexandra.

Alexandras’ [Should be Alexandra's.] eyes widened and she looked at the Prince as her whole face went beet red.

She curtsied and ran in the opposite direction, leaving Prince Makani and the woman standing by the bench.

he half mumbled as he was grabbing [s]Ravens’[/s] Raven's halter from the wall on the other side of the stables.

“You and I both know that dragons have been extinct for thousands of years,” Alexandra lied as she leaned against [s]Ravens’[/s] Raven's stall door. She knew for a fact that there were still dragons living amongst them.

“I—I fell.” [Should be a comma rather than a full stop.] Alexandra mumbled and looked down.

I have some issues with your guardian, also, and he might
be able to answer some of your questions. [Format error. Should all be on one line.]

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Chapter one is very good, better than the prologue. Your characters are much more defined and there's some fantastic dialogue and character description but I think you're still a little lacking where atmosphere and setting are concerned. Try to keep in mind more than just sight; there are five senses, not one. Think of what can be heard in the stables - the whinny of other horses, the shuffling of hooves. And then what can they smell - the manure I should think, and the hay. Maybe mention how hot and stuffy it is and how that provides the perfect environment for the fowl smells to breed.

Other than that, I have no suggestions. I think the plot was good, the action enough but not too much and the use of phonetic spelling for Edward was very good. Hope this helps a little,

Heather xx